Yes... it's really me! I'm alive!

It's been a very long time between posts and yes, I know I said I'd write...

Despite my best intentions, it never quite worked out.

This is my thought... I want to share so much with you all, but at the same time it feels like it's my personal business... I'm torn as to whether or not to write. And that usually leads to me not writing.

So, from now on... no more promises. I will write when I write and I'll write abut what's on my mind.

Tonight... well this morning really - what I want to say is that I am facing a bit of a dilemma at the moment.

You see, I'm ready to settle down. Start life with someone... really start life, but romance is non-existent in my life at the moment. Not that I haven't tried to find it... I have all these amazing guys in my life who have asked me out etc (you know who you all are), but I don't love any of them that way. More like brothers... and it's frustrating because they are all great guys.

Is it too much to ask for a little bit of romance? Is it too much to ask for someone to love me that way ? For someone to see me... really see me? Not for my advice or even my energy, but my worth as a woman of God?

I'm not saying that I want to fall head over heels for someone and rush into things... but a relationship with even the possibility for love would be welcome.

Some of my friends have said that the season they are at in their life is one where its just God and them and I asked God - "is that where I am too?" but it's not. I've been in that place.

For years and years I felt like marriage was for later in life. That I wanted my freedom... and now, now that I have it - living in my amazing studio apartment in the heart of Sydney and everything... I can't explain it really well, but I so long for someone to share with. I have heaps of friends, but its not the same. Someone I can be with and simply sit with - no words needing to be said, the world racing by us as we sit completely comfortable in each others presence.

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship that it all seems so new to me again.

So many of my closest friends have found someone.. many now engaged! But here I am... still here... mmmm. I really hope my friends are happy. They say they are - and I hope its more than words... and most of all, I hope one day I find that happiness.

My parents are even like, "so when are you going to get a boyfriend??"

To be completely honest... when I was younger, I thought I could do what God wants me to do by myself as a single woman... but like many things in my life... as the years have gone by and I've matured through all of life's experiences, I have realised, I need someone else.

Someone who grounds me (a little bit), someone who balances me, someone who doesnt just want to use me but cares about me, someone who sees when I'm hurt and honestly asks if theres anything he can do, someone who sees past all my walls - someone who sees me.

I am tired. Tired of relationships where people are take take take and never give. Relationships where when people ask "how are you?" it's for their benefit, not to really care. Where are those relationships in my life??? Even just friendships.... seems everyone has so many expectations of me and maybe I have my own expectations as well in return... but it seems that they let me down.

Will you let me down? We're human... I'm human, you're human - we're not perfect... I get it. But surely, we can care genuinely for each other???

Everytime I feel like I find someone described in the above paragraph they are within reach and then they're not. Poop.

I had an ambulance adventure the other day (which I won't go into here) and even though I'm fine now.. I found myself wishing that I had someone to call that would just come no matter what just to simply be with me. Instead I had a phone call from my parents and sent an sms to one friend.

Shows the depths of my friendships hey???

I feel like I keep most people at arms length because I am sick of being used and abused. I keep people at arms length because I feel like when I open up to them and let them know who I really am, they try to tone me down and try to make me "sensible" or they think I'm looney or something. Either that... or they think I'm great and just want to slot me into anything and everything.

I am trying to build friendships... really I am... but at the moment I have one person that I feel will just listen and knows me well enough to know how to be sensitive and then my parents who I am just so grateful for.

(To that person - if you're reading this... thanks. I know its not always smooth sailing and we have our differences but I feel like we are that much stronger with each new obstacle we survive because its not ignored, we face something and then get on with life. There isn't a day when I don't thank God for the blessing you are in my life. He knew what he was doing all those years ago. He knew I needed someone like you and you needed someone like me.)

On that note - time to sign off for another night, visit my lovely convenience store down the bottom of my building to get a drink, and turn out the lights for another night.