RANT

I wrote a huge post this morning but accidentally deleted it so this will be a compact version of what I wanted to write this morning. Maybe slightly watered down as I've had time to cool off (which is neither a good or a bad thing).

I'm a pretty easy going chick. Yes, some people may beg to differ so let me explain.

I like to be spontaneous and go with the flow, but I also like to have some sense of ordered chaos in my world.. do you get what I mean? if yes, glad you're following my thought process, if no, see you in a while!

What do I mean by ordered chaos? Quite simply, I like to have some sense of sticking to any plan that is made... no matter how loose the plan, if there's one, I don't like to chuck it out the door... so I guess I like spontaneity, but not to replace things that were important enough to plan in the first place. I see that if there's been some sort of plan made, than that should determine the importance in my life. I need to make plans only for the things that I want to prioritise.

So - why am I saying this???

Coz I am extremely peeved that everyone keeps hitting once particular nerve of mine. (that could be slightly exaggerated, but hey, this is a blog after all and I don't know that many people read it anyway!)

All I want is for people to, when they say they'll do something, actually follow through and do it. Stick to their guns.

And it seems like if you don't say "I promise" or sometimes even if you do, commitment is lackluster and seems to take a back seat in life.

Here's a clue: If there's a high possibility of not sticking to what you're about to say (e.g. staying out longer than you said you would), either don't say it, or inform relevant people of the changes if they happen! Sound easy?! I hope so!

Please walk the talk!

Then I'll be happy! Just that so many people I know say a whole heap of great stuff but hardly seem to follow through. So all the great stuff they say turns into crap that gets chucked out with Tuesdays rubbish.

Yes... it's really me! I'm alive!

It's been a very long time between posts and yes, I know I said I'd write...

Despite my best intentions, it never quite worked out.

This is my thought... I want to share so much with you all, but at the same time it feels like it's my personal business... I'm torn as to whether or not to write. And that usually leads to me not writing.

So, from now on... no more promises. I will write when I write and I'll write abut what's on my mind.

Tonight... well this morning really - what I want to say is that I am facing a bit of a dilemma at the moment.

You see, I'm ready to settle down. Start life with someone... really start life, but romance is non-existent in my life at the moment. Not that I haven't tried to find it... I have all these amazing guys in my life who have asked me out etc (you know who you all are), but I don't love any of them that way. More like brothers... and it's frustrating because they are all great guys.

Is it too much to ask for a little bit of romance? Is it too much to ask for someone to love me that way ? For someone to see me... really see me? Not for my advice or even my energy, but my worth as a woman of God?

I'm not saying that I want to fall head over heels for someone and rush into things... but a relationship with even the possibility for love would be welcome.

Some of my friends have said that the season they are at in their life is one where its just God and them and I asked God - "is that where I am too?" but it's not. I've been in that place.

For years and years I felt like marriage was for later in life. That I wanted my freedom... and now, now that I have it - living in my amazing studio apartment in the heart of Sydney and everything... I can't explain it really well, but I so long for someone to share with. I have heaps of friends, but its not the same. Someone I can be with and simply sit with - no words needing to be said, the world racing by us as we sit completely comfortable in each others presence.

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship that it all seems so new to me again.

So many of my closest friends have found someone.. many now engaged! But here I am... still here... mmmm. I really hope my friends are happy. They say they are - and I hope its more than words... and most of all, I hope one day I find that happiness.

My parents are even like, "so when are you going to get a boyfriend??"

To be completely honest... when I was younger, I thought I could do what God wants me to do by myself as a single woman... but like many things in my life... as the years have gone by and I've matured through all of life's experiences, I have realised, I need someone else.

Someone who grounds me (a little bit), someone who balances me, someone who doesnt just want to use me but cares about me, someone who sees when I'm hurt and honestly asks if theres anything he can do, someone who sees past all my walls - someone who sees me.

I am tired. Tired of relationships where people are take take take and never give. Relationships where when people ask "how are you?" it's for their benefit, not to really care. Where are those relationships in my life??? Even just friendships.... seems everyone has so many expectations of me and maybe I have my own expectations as well in return... but it seems that they let me down.

Will you let me down? We're human... I'm human, you're human - we're not perfect... I get it. But surely, we can care genuinely for each other???

Everytime I feel like I find someone described in the above paragraph they are within reach and then they're not. Poop.

I had an ambulance adventure the other day (which I won't go into here) and even though I'm fine now.. I found myself wishing that I had someone to call that would just come no matter what just to simply be with me. Instead I had a phone call from my parents and sent an sms to one friend.

Shows the depths of my friendships hey???

I feel like I keep most people at arms length because I am sick of being used and abused. I keep people at arms length because I feel like when I open up to them and let them know who I really am, they try to tone me down and try to make me "sensible" or they think I'm looney or something. Either that... or they think I'm great and just want to slot me into anything and everything.

I am trying to build friendships... really I am... but at the moment I have one person that I feel will just listen and knows me well enough to know how to be sensitive and then my parents who I am just so grateful for.

(To that person - if you're reading this... thanks. I know its not always smooth sailing and we have our differences but I feel like we are that much stronger with each new obstacle we survive because its not ignored, we face something and then get on with life. There isn't a day when I don't thank God for the blessing you are in my life. He knew what he was doing all those years ago. He knew I needed someone like you and you needed someone like me.)

On that note - time to sign off for another night, visit my lovely convenience store down the bottom of my building to get a drink, and turn out the lights for another night.

Diamonds.

I have been thinking about something that Ed Young said on Sunday night at church and wanted to share with you a quick thought that I believe is very relevant...

We (mankind) have always been diamonds. When we were born we were raw though. We were rough around the edges with glimpses of our true value... As we find our identity in life or if we are searching, it is God that chips away at our edges, refining us and creating an air of "there's got to be more to life than this"... He is redefining where our self worth comes from and continually revealing more of our beauty, and it is our choice whether or not to let him in. We can either resist or embrace his workmanship.

You see, even though we were priceless at birth, we become even more priceless as we discover God and take hold of what He has for us. I did a bit of researching and what makes diamonds more valuable is their content and their image. How pure the diamond is on the inside affects its value. So, what is inside of you? Have you discovered God? Are you letting God do some spring cleaning? Or maybe even renovating? And are you allowing God to cut away the blemishes that are visible on the outside?

Lastly, know that you are very extremely rare! Diamonds are graded for clarity and I've found out that diamonds with the grade 'F' are extremely rare because they are flawless, both internally and externally. Can I just say that although we are not perfect in nature, God is. And He will continue to do amazing things in our lives, perfecting us daily if we know him personally and allow Him to do so. If we would choose Him every day of our lives and be in relationship with Him, making the Kingdom of God our highest concern, then I believe we can truly be grade 'F' diamonds and the value in that is that our light will shine for all to see and people around will know there's something different about us.

I know that there are many who read my blogs and have no idea who God really is... Can I just say, if you want to know more, please ask/comment because I'd love to share with you! If you are thinking that doing the same old same old is waring thin and there's got to be more to life, I sit here at my keyboard screaming out at the screen "there is!"

Love you all.

Commitment V Feelings...

So...

Tonight - rather last night at church, Ed Young spoke... If you've never heard of Ed Young, click here to find out about him - well worth the look.

Anyways, he asked an interesting question... "Have you ever paddled away from authority?" And I am sitting there thinking... people have talked about this before plenty of times, but there was something about this time that was different. Maybe I was more open to the question being posed... more willing to ask myself the question that Ed dared to ask. I don't know... but a few things hit me. Let me explain a bit more...

Ed's main example was Samuel and Saul in 1 Samuel 13 and 15 selected verses. You see, Samuel was God's anointed one. Saul was a powerful King empowered to make all these important decisions to go to battle but Samuel was the one who ultimately was the "go to" person... Samuel had to offer up the burnt sacrifices before Saul could command his army to go to war so even if Saul's army was scattering around him and everything was falling apart, God had commanded him to stand by until His chosen one had offered up the sacrifices on behalf of everyone else...

Saul gets impatient in 1 Sam 13 and after 7 days of waiting for Samuel and nothing going his way, he decides to make the sacrifices himself....

As the flames are burning, Samuel rocks up and says, "What have you done?"

And Saul says,

"Because I saw that the army had started to abandon me and that you didn't come at the appointed time and that the Philistines had assembled at Michmash I thought, 'Now te Philistines will come down on me at Gilgal and I have not sought the Lord's favour.' So I felt obligated."

Saul saw, he thought, and he felt. He turned his back on authority because of what he was experiencing. It didn't matter that God's command was for him to wait for Samuel - that wasn't convenient for Saul. He didn't feel in control, he felt like he was losing the battle and he felt uncomfortable so he found a quick fix to ease his nerves.

It's interesting to see that in the next chapter of 1 Samuel, Saul's mighty army is found in total confusion turning on each other in battle and killing each other. And actually, in chapter 13 also, Samuel informs Saul of the consequences of his actions.. that his kingdom would not endure and that God had chosen a man after His own heart to rule over his chosen people... Incidentally, Saul dies along with his offspring at he end of 1 Samuel and David becomes king.

Ok, so I've gone a touch off topic but hey, this is the place where I am just writing right?!

Anyway, Ed commented that if everything we did or didn't do was based on our feelings, what we feel is or isn't right, then we'd be stuffed... That's true. And then he went on to explain that his wife Lisa and himself don't have tingly "feelings" for each other every moment of every day and if their marriage was based on that, then the marriage would have ended a long time ago, but rather that the foundation of their marriage is the commitment they made to each other to stick together no matter what. So when feelings fade, commitment remains constant.

And commitment is linked directly with obedience...

At this point, I want to end talking about what Ed said directly and insert my own thoughts and comments to finish off..

I look at a lot of relationships these days... at a lot of the reasons why relationships begin even and very rarely is it that I see relationships based on commitment rather than feelings. I see so many struggling relationships because "chemistry had died"... Ok, so sometimes relationships start out of false feelings, and some relationships are just excuses to ignore what's really happening... but a lot of times relationships die because people aren't committed enough to work things out. When the going gets tough, people bail. A lot of times, because the foundation of the relationship is focused on feelings rather than commitment, the focus sets the intensity of the relationship, the temperament if you like.

I have no idea who's reading this and/or if you understand, but I hope you do. If my relationships - my friendships - were based on feelings alone, I'd probably be without friends right now. Do people get on my nerves? Yes. All the time. Life would be great and perfect if not for people! But when I get annoyed with people and frustrated and even offended, that's when my commitment kicks in.

I can't abandon my friends. Whatever they do, I find it hard to close the door on them completely and most of my friends will probably have noticed that at some point in time.

So my question to you is, "Are you committed?" or, "Do you live on feelings?"

Maybe you can answer yes to both questions... in which case I would challenge you to rethink because I would have been one of those people who would have said yes to both a few weeks back, but I've learnt that the questions aren't exclusive questions... what I mean is that you aren't necessarily one or the other... having said that, when it comes to the punch, which are you? See, I live on feelings, but if those feelings disappear, I am stil committed sp I would say I am committed rather than that I live on feelings because I don't really live on feelings.. I am more so aware of them but I live by commitment. Commitment to my values and my family and my friends.

If you're in a relationship at the moment based on feelings that you know wouldn't stand up to the challenge of commitment, I would say, what are you doing ?!

You might sit there saying, "You don't understand the relationship I have... it's not at the 'commitment stage' as yet..." But I think all relationships are at the commitment stage. Commitment may be defined slightly differently in each relationship, but there's got to be some kind of commitment for "relationship" ... I'm not talking about "aquaintances" I'm talking about friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends...

Have a ponder and get back to me on it if you'd like whether you know me or not. All opinions will be respected.

Luv... Girl wide Awake at 3.50am for no apparent reason.

"Most of us are educated beyond our obedience"

"We have always been diamonds. When we were born we were raw though, rough around the edges with glimpses of our true value... as God chips away at our edges, refining us and continually revealing more of our beauty, it is our choice to let him tap away. We can either resist or embrace his workmanship."

In my life...

So... for those who have no idea, I am totally loving listening to the Ten Tenors (and am going to see them LIVE on July 31st with my parents !)

Those of you who haven't heard of them, click here to find out what all the fuss is about. They are amazing and no they aren't just classical, they sing covers of classic melodic songs... beegees classics, beach boys classics, Queen classics, songs from soundtracks, Simon and Garfunkel classics, abba classics... and my favourite - Beatles classics!

Check out on their downloads section, them singing "bohemian rhapsody" ... remarkable.

Ok, so back to the topic.. As I've listed to my many cds and dvds of the Ten Tenors, I've started to fall in love with the old classics they are singing and funnily enough, listening to them, has inspired me to listen to the original versions of the songs and I've found that somehow I've loved the original versions of the songs as much as the magical remakes! Incredible.

There's this one song by the Beatles called "In my life" that has really struck a chord with me... the lyrics are:

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

---

The words of this song sit so well with me. Sir Paul McCartney and John Lennon hit the nail on the head with this heartfelt song. I can't write any more on this because there are no words to say what I want to get across. Just that, let these lyrics resonate for a while... I wonder if you see what I see...

New post...

New post...

So I'm sitting here... ok so I'm actually laying on my bed in front of the heater with all the lights on in my place trying to figure out what on earth to write here. I wrote for a while in my paper journal today and found it to be amazing. I had so many revelations but I feel like writing them again here would be like cheating in an exam. It would be taking the easy path to copy what I've already written so I won't. Instead, I will talk about something else.

You may notice as you read this that when I talk about stuff I don't refer to the Bible much if at all... There is a reason for this believe it or not. I want to write here from pure emotion. I don't want to substantiate my case unless by whats in my head. I don't want to write entries that are backed by evidence... If I write something deep, it is because I am myself, musing with an idea. Pondering some kind of thought. There's a time and a place for everything and I write so much "calculated" stuff and stuff that I need to back up with hardcore evidence... but this place isn't the place for that. I started this blog to be able to just have the freedom to write. If what I write is nonsense, then so-be-it, but I have come to know that I just need to write and that is enough.

I am sure that there will be glimpses of brilliance here and there. For now though, I am here, standing on my soapbox... look out world.

Self Confessed Movie Addict

"Once upon a time..."

I have found that I've collected about 40-50 movies in the past 4 months... actually probably more! And the common theme ? Romantic comedy ! For the most part anyway! I know... I'm becoming more and more girly every day! Oh dear.... *sighs*

I love movies... Is there a group that meets called "M.A" ?! MovieAddicts Anonymous ?! I could proudly walk through those doors and say "Hi my name is ___________ and I am a Movie Addict..." I can imagine it now... to become "sober" we'd read more books... lol.

It's the dreamer in me coming out. I love to dream. I love the worlds of movies... the world where anything is possible, where miracles happen... A world not so far disjointed for the world I live in, as hard as it is to grasp...

Let me explain a little... some people have probably already heard me explain, but for those who haven't.. this will be brief.

The most common recurring theme in movies is that of the magical fairy tale. Oh yes, this theme isn't confined to Disney films or even to children's films in general... in chick flicks its hard to miss and even in action films and thrillers it creeps into storylines left, right and centre... But does it mean that the movie occurs in a world that isn't possible for us to live in? Take a movie such as Notting Hill... It's remotely possible that the whole storyline of that movie could play out in real life, even if slightly modified...

What I'm saying is that I love movies because they aren't detached from my hopes and dreams. My dream that one day Tom Hanks, Hugh Jackman or Luke Wilson will walk into my life and sweep me off my feet... or someone far better ! My dream that one day a Prince will come and like Richard Gere in Pretty Woman, he'd climb the tower for me instead of saying "I'll buy you a condo"... My dream that one day a man will walk into my life and instead of running away in fear, would stick around to sort things out... a man who would be like Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire and say "You complete me."

And beyond that, my beliefs that I live in a world where miracles do happen every day... where anything is possible and you can be who you want to be. I'm not saying, click your fingers and poof - you'll be a star, but if anything is possible, than a least a positive attitude and determination to dare to be different could be gained right?

Life is what you make it. If you see the glass half empty, everything in your world will mirror that image. Your relationships with you loved ones, you dreams, your reality.... but if you see the glass half full, you world will be your oyster and life's opportunities and pursuits won't feel like dead ends... rather, they will feel like chances to grow, to be bold and to achieve...

"And she lived happily ever after..."

Irony

Ironically I am currently watching a movie called "Man About Town". It stars Ben Affleck and somehow underneah all of its twistedness, I can relate so well to Ben's character "Jack"..

I can just imagine you sitting back at the moment staring at the screen blankly and thinking, "What on earth is ironic about watching that movie ?!" And so I guess I should explain, if only to benefit myself and my thoughts...

Well... Jack journals. The whole movie is one big journal entry... metaphorically speaking. He is taking this journal writing course... learning the importance of expressing himself... and throughout it all, the guy who runs the course - John Cleese - is trying to teach Jack that he needs to let out his true emotions and not be afraid to express who he is taking away all politeness and facing up to reality rather than ignoring it.

I keep playing tug-o-war with myself over the idea of journalling. In life, the times when I've journalled have been the best times for me because writing helps in expressing myself - my emotions, my thoughts, my dreams. When I don't write, I'm like Jack... I ignore so much. I guess I feel like I can blank out the stuff I don't like if I don't write. That negative stuff can become like blind spots. My vision so focussed on one perspective that I can be completely carefree.. naiive.

So -

Here is my proposition: I am to put aside at least an hour a day for journalling. Both online and offline.I need to type out some stuff, and some stuff is just so personal that I need to handwrite it the old-fashioned way... So in keeping with that, I've just gone out in the past hour and bought myself a new journal with the aim to fill its pages with treasured words in the days to come - sooner rather than later.

See you same place tomorrow... figuratively speaking.